NBA Gauntlet » Humor

Albert “Al” Harrington Out With Head Ridges

Harris Beringer — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 20:24:05 +0000

Al Harrington, blissfully unaware

Al Harrington, the leading scorer last season for the New York Knicks, is expected to miss the rest of the season with previously undiagnosed ridges in his cranium.

About ten years ago, Harrington began to wonder why sweat tended to channel down his head, like head rivers. Headbands and questionable hairstyles followed, but they only dealt with the symptoms, not the underlying issue. As the side effects were beginning to hamper his career, Harrington decided to find an answer to this medical mystery before becoming a free agent this summer.

Rendering of the possible progression if left untreated

Naturally, Al went to the foremost NBA physician, Dr. Julius Erving. Dr. J, a respected Orthopaedic surgeon, hypothesizes that the ridges may have begun to apply pressure to a number of areas of Harrington’s brain. This would cause a tendency to drive, head-first, to the basket. Head ridges may also reduce peripheral vision, limiting Harrington’s passing ability. The deepening creases also make any physical contact unbearable, so defense is mostly impossible.

Donnie Walsh announcing the medical condition

Treatment includes exposure to a green goo found only in New Jersey, ironically similar to the substance that is believed to have caused the condition. Dr. J expects a full recovery after 3-4 months, but makes no promises. “There is a very good chance Al will reach his potential, and dominate the NBA the way Donnie Walsh expected when he drafted him in 1998, and traded for him in 2006 and 2008. However, we might only be able to halt the progress of the condition. In that case, he would be the same frustrating talent that Donnie Walsh traded away in 2004 and 2007.”

In related news, Shane Battier has decided to retire after his head ridges ripped right through his eyes.

Eddy Curry Pie Relapse

Harris Beringer — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 16:06:39 +0000

Eddy Curry, a 6′11, 300+ pound center for the New York Knicks, reportedly wanted to be a gymnast when he was younger.

However, when he realized he could sucker an NBA team into paying him way too much money, he gave up his first love. Plus, the basketball looked tasty. Check out the comic.

The Walt “Clyde” Frazier Dictionary

Harris Beringer — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 15:33:10 +0000

Only one basketball commentator demonstrates amazingly creative use of the English language. His name is Walt “Clyde” Frazier, and you can witness his magic on New York Knicks telecasts. I put together a dictionary of Walt’s more colorful phrases.

If you hear Clyde use any new phrases that you think should be on this list, please comment or send me an e-mail so that I can update this list.

I also have a list of Frazier’s famous rhymes beneath the dictionary.

adjacent – next to; adjoining

altruistic – showing unselfish concern for the welfare of others - A very altruistic Robinson here tonight – looking for his teammates.

aroused – to stir up, excite – And the crowd at Madison Square Garden is aroused!

auspicious – marked by success - Marbury off to an auspicious beginning here tonight.

baffling – to frustrate by confusing or perplexing; stymie - The Knicks defense is baffling the Hawks.

bedevil – to torment mercilessly, to plague – It’s the little things that bedevil losing teams.

blunder – A usually serious mistake typically caused by ignorance or confusion - Ratliff makes a blunder there by fouling Curry.

diminutive – extremely small in size - Nate Robinson is diminutive at 5′9″.

diligent – marked by painstaking effort - David Lee has been working diligently.

egregious – conspicuously bad or offensive as in “an egregious blunder”

impetus – stimulus, moving force

neophyte – a beginner or novice - Two points there for the young neophyte.

omnipotence – having unlimited power or authority

omnipresent – present in all places at the same time - There’s the omnipresent Lee with another rebound.

penchant – a strong inclination – The Knicks have a penchant for turning the ball over late in the game.

percolate- active, lively, spirited

precocious – characterized by early maturity - The precocious rookie is playing well tonight.

prodigious – impressively great in size, force or extent – Curry is off to a prodigious start.

prolific – producing abundant works or results - Marbury is off to a prolific start in the second half.

prudent – wise in handling practical matters - The Knicks are doing the prudent thing featuring Randolph in the early going.

quantum - sudden and significant - Nate Robinson with a quantum leap to reject Yao!

rejuvenate – to restore to an original or new condition - A rejuvenated Marbury keeps the Knicks in the game.

riveting – to engross or hold - The Knicks are playing riveting defense.

serendipity – the faculty of making fortunate discoveries by accident - The ball comes off of Robinson’s leg and goes right to Crawford for three – a little serendipity right there.

stupor – a state of mental numbness - The Knicks have a tendency to go into stupors.

tenacious – holding or tending to hold persistently to something - The Knicks are playing tenacious ‘d’.

tumultuous – noisy and disorderly - Nate Robinson has had a tumultuous night so far.

uncanny - peculiarly unsettling as if supernatural in nature - Jason Terry is an uncanny shooter from three.

Walt Frazier’s Rhyme Time

“Out-muscling and Out-hustling”

“Dishing and Swishing”

“Hustling and Bustling”

“Movin’ and Grovin’!”

“Slicing and Dicing to the hoop!”

“Swooping and Hooping”

“Bounding and Astounding”

“Wheeling and Dealing”

“Shaking and Baking”

“Dancing and Prancing”

“Posting and Toasting”

Add your favorite!